Stream of Consciousness. Or, Welcome to my brain.

It is that time of year again. The time when I am simultaneously READY and TERRIFIED for school to be out.

We can have some time to do things. I want to try camping with the kids this year. I think they would love it. No one needs diapers or sippy cups or naps. I know I won't get any sleep though. READY and yet TERRIFIED. 

I feel like I should probably clean my floors one of these months. But then the kids will run in covered in cut grass and hose water and toad juice and just mess it up.  Ready and terrified of the wrath that will happen when they mess up the clean floors. So maybe I won't.

I want to throw out everything I own and start over. Why can't I seem to do this? Why? I hate everything in my house and I hate how MUCH of it there is. And I hate that I cannot seem to stay on top of it no matter what I do. I want to simplify. SIMPLIFY DAMMIT.  But yet, I cannot seem to just ditch it all.

Why is Andrew in timeout for the second time today for spitting at me? Why does he eat no meals and then dig around for snacks all day? I know the answer to that. Don't tell me. I'm cracking down and that's why he is in timeout for the second time today.

I wait all winter to be able to use my screened in porch. Then it gets to be 90% humidity and 90 degrees and I can't stand being out there. Plus it is all junked up. I need to de-junk it.

I need a personal assistant. I would love to have someone just follow me around doing what needs doing and planning my life for me and taking care of everything for ME. I can handle doing everything for the kids but I want my own backup. Basically I need a wife/mom/butler that is full time. I need a WOMLER. "Oh dear! I see you left your jeans on the floor, let me take care of that. I've left your breakfast out on the table for you and cleaned up the dishes. I made that call to the insurance company for you. They just need you to sign this here. I'll take that to the post office for you. I've also arranged for a car to pick you up at noon for your lunch with your girlfriends. I will stay here and mop the floor. The laundry is all folded and put away."

Now I'm off for Andrew's last day of preschool ice cream party. Ready. And Terrified. 

I'm a Mess

I just deleted about 3,465 photos off my iPhone and transferred them to my external hard drive. All the best stuff was in those photos. All the funny stuff, all the daily stuff. Too bad they are all blurry and un-blow-up-able.

I deleted about 100 pictures of MESSES. Messes in my house. Why did I delete those? Because they are atrocious.

Damn though. I should have shown you. I am scared you would judge me, but damn! There is some crazy ass messy shit that goes on with kids.

Just realized I can still get them off Photostream. And hey! Look at all those photos that I WANT deleted that are STILL on Photostream. And why can't I delete them? Apple, I love you, but sometimes you really make some confusing shit. I. Do. Not. Get. The. Cloud. Well, I GET it, in theory, but in practice I can't seem to access it with ease or delete shit from it. 

So, lucky readers! You get to see the crazy ass messes. Why do I do this? I'll tell you why.  I do it as a complicated procrastination process. Because when I stumble into a room to see a giant overwhelming mess I don't FEEL like cleaning it right away. I have to process it first. So I take a pic and text it to Tracy and then we discuss who has a messier house and who feels least like cleaning and I get to procrastinate about it for a while.  So, in no particular order:

 Someone was instructed to clean out her artwork drawers. That was a fun battle.

  Guess I can't blame it all on the kids.....See the caulk on the back of the toilet? That's been in there for four months. Must. Caulk. Shower.

I threw all the contents of the hall closet on the floor and then re-organized it. 

 Just daily shit.

 Yes. That's our bed. Yes, that's a shit load of laundry.

 The table is too messy so I just moved to the floor, Mom!

I dumped the entire pantry contents out. Are you getting my system?

 Here we have procrastination at it's worst. I took this pic and texted it and discussed it for WAY longer than it would have taken to just DO THOSE DISHES.


Then, eventually I clean it up and take a photo. I love a transformation. Its like watching an episode of Hoarders. Before and After. Love that shit.

Hall closet "AFTER"

Pantry AFTER

I just feel calmer looking at the AFTER photos. Don't you? In fact, I may just sit here and stare at them instead of getting up and dealing with the giant mess behind me in the play room.

Blogger, why can't I break up with you?

I have an announcement to make: I miss blogging. I do. I didn't realize I did until Jamie came to visit last weekend and was mentioning my blog and I suddenly felt a little pinch of regret.

I am not even going to ATTEMPT a recap of everything that's happened since the fall. Because, honestly, it's only 7:45 p.m. and I'm already in bed trying to hold my eyes open and I'm 100% positive my brain would have no idea what I've been doing for an entire school year anyway. Because brain is saying "GO TO SLEEP EVEN THOUGH IT IS 7:45 p.m. I THINK YOU ARE ELDERLY AND YOU MUST OBEY."

But, if I did attempt a recap, it would go something like this:

What I have been doing since October

• Signing my kids up for entirely too many extracurriculars, which results in me stressing out on three weekdays in a row about why I am not home in the evenings. Add in another night of my choir and I am really freaking going bonkers.
• Wondering why I did this to myself. Because wasn't I the one lecturing everyone about how kids need to be kids and just bike around the neighborhood with the other kids and not be run from one thing to the next?
• Ignoring last year's New Year's Resolution and continuing to "cook" the same crap week after week-- tacos, rotisserie chicken with stuffing, and.....um. Frozen chicken nuggets? Not sure what else. I think that's it. (See also: first bullet).

• Not napping.
•  Spending too much money on groceries. Oh, wait. I've been doing that since....ever.
• Wondering why I spend so much on groceries when I make frozen chicken nuggets for dinner

So. There you have it. I'm back.

My Whole Brand Spankin' New Life

My life, y'all. It is unrecognizable. It changed overnight. The day Rebecca started kindergarten.

She went into school with a giant backpack hanging down to her knees. And she looked so tiny. And she wasn't sure about it. And I wasn't sure about it.

And then she came home from school that first day acting like she was ON CRACK. Its as if the teachers are up there passing out speed tablets to everyone. I was expecting a droopy, teary, exhausted kid. But I guess all those years of self-inflicted hell sleep deprivation have paid off. She is USED to it.  She ran directly outside and played with the neighborhood kids until I dragged her back inside against her will to go to bed at 7 p.m. She seriously falls asleep at an early hour every night.

It is like a totally new world.


I am no longer the sole person in charge of entertaining her all day every day. And that, my friends, was a huge job. That kid has 36 million projects going at all times and her brain is whirring and spitting out questions and demands and requests and godknowswhat so damn fast. And the trail of trash and detritus and mess she generates is so vast and so wide that by 9 a.m. I feel I've run a marathon.

But now that is someone else's problem from 8:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. NOT MY PROBLEM. Muah ha ha ha ha.

And even better? Andrew started two mornings a week at preschool. Praise the baby Jesus in his oxen stall.

I have FREE TIME. Y'all, seriously. FREE TIME. On the calendar. Four hours a week. I can schedule a haircut without lining up babysitters. Heaven on a biscuit.

Downer of a side note: One sad sad thing has happened, though. I think Andrew is kinda done napping. And I'm really in serious mourning about this. SERIOUS. Because this means I no longer nap. Ever. This is a problem I'll address later. Back to the good stuff!

Gone are the days of me, stuck inside with two kids and trying desperately to fill the hours until bedtime. Suddenly I am go-go-go-going ALL the time. Taking Rebecca to school, taking Andrew to school, going to the gym, picking Andrew up, taking Andrew to gymnastics, running errands, running home to put dinner in a crockpot, taking Becca to soccer. Taking Becca to ballet. Dashing around at all hours of the day. Meeting John for LUNCH. OUT. At 1 p.m. Going to Home Depot at TWO p.m.

This is Unheard Of.

I'm serious.

Do you know the last time I was out running and errand during Sacred Nap Time? NEVER. That's when.

It is like a whole new world has opened up to me. And I'm standing there, beaming, shading my eyes, blinking, and looking completely bewildered.  THIS is how I imagined life would be as a Stay at Home Mom. Or, as I like to call it Work At Home Slave  Mom. 

This is something I can handle. Those last five and a half years were hard for me. Just hard.  Dealing with willful toddlers. This is like a fresh breeze in comparison. I feel like this giant weight has been slowly lifting and then suddenly on the first day of kindergarten and preschool it just finally dropped off. I have BACK UP. I have SCHEDULED free time without any guilt. Really this should be a requirement for all parents the minute a baby enters the scene. Because this makes it do-able.

I guess I like go-go-going. And now instead of traveling, I am going bonkers in my own town. Now I have to go pack a ballet bag and snack and go pick up Rebecca and take her to ballet. So I'm outta here!

The year school didn't start

I'm waiting. Will the school district call? Will the first day of school be postponed again? I kinda need to know. If tomorrow is indeed going to happen I need to be making dinner. And bathing my kids.

If it's going to be postponed again I need to continue stressing out over just who the he'll can watch my 2-year old while I attend gradual entry. I also need to be drinking a margarita at my friend's house while the kids run crazy outside all evening and go (yet another day) without bathing.

So which is it?

Hurricane Irene knocked power out in our area. Ours is back on, but many are without. It also knocked down our back neighbor's big tree which really fucking sucks because now I'm looking at a shed and houses rather than beautiful green leaves. Poor me. Wah.

So this all leaves me immobilized. Do I do something? Go somewhere?





Continue drinking my emergency hurricane supplies from the iced down cooler? Throw me a bone here, people.

****update: no school again! The year of the never ending summer!

Summer and the State of the Homesickness

So July was the hottest July and the hottest month on record for Baltimore.

And one day the heat index was 120. Which isn't bad if you live in Arizona an the air isn't 99% saturated in water. But I don't live in Arizona. Evidently, I live in a steam cooker.

My bitter and all-consuming homesickness for Texas abated a bit with this heat wave. Maybe I don't really like being hot and stinky all the time. Maybe it is good to live somewhere that cools down from time to time.

Check back in two months. I will swing wildly back into the "I have to move to Texas immediately" camp. So.....what have we been up to?

Swim lessons. And....uhhhhhh. That's all I can remember. Perhaps some photos....to jog my memory.

Let's see. Oh yes. I bought some booze.



We ate some ice cream.



We held a neighbor's newborn baby....which gave me about 5 minutes of baby fever, but then Andrew shat on the floor and Becca screamed because she couldn't play on the computer anymore and then that passed.



We had dance camp....




We cleaned up a messy room.
Before:


After:



My uncle, aunt and cousins came to visit and we had a fun HOT crab night wherein it was the hottest day on record and my air conditioner didn't work for 8 hours.






The kids had to huddle by a cooler just to survive.



We went to a potato
Chip factory and spent the rest of the month gorging.


We celebrated 14 years of marriage by me smartly trying to take a self portrait while we were driving.


John cooperated. As usual.


If I post enough of these he will stop doing it, riiiigght?


We ate snowcones.


Went to baseball game.


We colored.


The basement looks like this all the time.


Dear lord in heaven, no wonder I need a nap every day. It also explains this lovely treasure I came across in my photo roll.


Help! Someone send help!

I Totally Should Have Invented This

I really wish I had written this
book Me. ME! More than any mother out there I am the one who is always raging against some kind of sleep misdemeanor.

Mostly I just whine and feel sorry for myself that all my friends' children sleep past seven, or eight, or even nine a.m. My little monsters like to be up by six.

Life is so unfair. Why don't my kids do that? What am I doing wrong? Wah. Poor me blah blah blah suburban Tragedycakes.

I should be used to it. I should go to bed at 9 every night and wake with a smile.

No, after 5 and a half years it still pisses me off. Maybe even more so. I absolutely refuse to accept it. I still wake up pissed off at 6 am every day of my life, with no breaks or weekends ever. No matter how late they stay up. No matter if they skip naps and swim 20 straight hours and go on 24 hour raging benders with hookers and blow. Their asses are up at 6 am.

And so is mine.

And the worst part is they hit the ground running. Running and hungry and whining and needy and loud and screechy and chatty. There is no cuddling in bed, or quietly laying down.

And holy shit! Mama just needs everyone to STFU. And lay the F down. And stop yelling at me. And go the F to sleep.

Or, at the very minimum....let me just sit and stew in peace and coffee for ten minutes.

So, seriously. I missed my biggest chance for instant millionaire-hood (first expenditure early morning nanny!) by not writing this book.




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in other news, well. It's summer. It's humid. The air feels as refreshing as a hot bowl of minestrone. We are doing swimming lessons, which are 45 minutes of kids in the water preceded and followed by 90 minutes of Mommy's frantic preparations regarding suits and sunscreen and packed lunches and snacks and towels and last minute swim diaper "incidents." We are gone for an hour and a half-- and then I have to lie down the rest of the day. But, Becca has finally decided she WANTS to swim and indeed wearing floaties forever may not be such a great idea. So, this is major progress and makes it all worth it.

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I'm waiting for HGTV's new Design Star to start.
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I don't like Ann Curry as Today Show host. I like her as news correspondent.
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I need some new TV to watch.
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I really should stop typing and be productive.
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The End.